Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
