closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
