In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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