Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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