did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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