It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
