His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
