I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
i believe in u and ur pee
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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