So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
