mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
