She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
