but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
