I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
