somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
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