my mouth tastes like poor choices
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
