??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
