well I can't set my house on fire every night
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
