is your mom at the bar?
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Randomize
