Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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