Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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