What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
