honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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