Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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