I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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