Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Randomize
