2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Farmville is her only friend.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
