Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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