i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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