I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
