if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
