Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
