A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
