I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
My life is pants optional.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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