btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
