Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize