The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize