The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
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