youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Randomize
