You're my little dorito
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
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