I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
