Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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