i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Help. Why am I so naked?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
