I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
