you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
