Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
