that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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