Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
