Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
