you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
