your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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