Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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