we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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