I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
