you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
COCAINE IS GR8
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
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