hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
