Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
