u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
So many bounce houses so little time
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
