4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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