I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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