I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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