For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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