I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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